Mental problems + axe = Lizzie Borden

This week I'm preparing for my final acting assessment. It definitely puts some pressure because everything should go perfect. However, I'm also super excited because this time I will be performing a monologue by Lizzie Borden. She was a women who lived in the 19th century. The best part is that she killed her father and step mother with the axe at the same day. She obviously had some mental issues, many mental issues I would say, and that factor attracts me the most. I always find normal people to be boring. They are too predictable and too simple. Weird and crazy people, on the contrary, are so much more deeper and difficult. Lizzie Borden was one of those extraordinary people, and to play her I have to discover what had happened in her little pretty head so that she murdered her family in cold blood. 

When I need to play a person, I prefer to do the research and dig deeper in order to know what he/she looks like. It's important for me to understand the character in and out. A very difficult thing for me in this case is a huge time gap between me and Lizzie Borden. People from her time period always seem unreal to me. The way of dressing up, talking, even moving makes it harder to perform naturally. I tried putting up an old-fashioned skirt and walking with an extremely straight back. I think it helped me to personalize the character and feel the atmosphere of the 19th century. 

I don't feel very comfortable with blocking the monologue. Monologue is the form of acting when not a lot of movements are made. That means that all the moves can't be thoughtless. Every single step should be purposeful and logical. I'm used to moving instinctively but my instincts don't always serve me well. And, therefore, I can't risk it in my monologue which happened to be my final assessment. I read the monologue over and over in order to establish steps and movements. Plus my class is being awesomely supportive and helpful as usual and gives tones of useful advises. So, hopefully, I'll be fine on a stage. 

All of my small hardships, of course, can't be compared with the point that I will actually be playing a murderer. A psycho, mentally unstable cold-hearted killer. She murdered people. I never did. So, basically, it's easier to reach the moon than to understand Lizzie and her decisions. But that's the point of acting, right? To make yourself believe who you are even if it's not who you really are. Just for several minutes imagine that you are capable of taking somebody's life. It's a very scary and challenging task but it's worth it. If I can do this, if I can make the audience believe me, if they shudder with horror, I will develop and stretch myself as an actor. For now I'm the one who is terrified. It's everything or nothing. Huge success or tremendous failure. I will have to use all of my acting capabilities for the full. Do everything I can. And just breath.